I spoke to my Brother today. Our conversation ran something like this:
ME: “Oh hello Gaudello,Bello, Jello, arite”
BRO: “Oh helloRosa, arite”(My name isn’t actually Rosa BTW)
BRO: “Yer, I’m arite…I got 32 kills and 2 deaths on Team Deathmatch, using Strafe Run, AC-130 and Osprey Gunner”
ME: “Wow”, I retorted “I’m level 22 now. I killed about 4 Dragons this weekend, got myself some new spells including chain lightning, snuck up on a few Trolls and got some super sick armour worth about 2,000 gold”
BRO: “Wow”, my brother (whose name is not Gaudello Bello Jello BTW) replied, “That is sooo awesome…but you have a long way to go…!”
Where am I going with this you wonder?! Well, exactly one month ago today, our (and by “our”, I mean everybody’s) lives had well and truly reached the final stages of a crescendo. A roller coaster ride of emotions, stress and downright panic had culminated in what many cynics (or pricks…myself included I might add) call an anti-climax; a commercial holiday period to control the masses and get us to spend our “hard-earned” cash. If you haven’t worked it out yet (…Good GOD?!?! I worry about you…) I am talking about the festive period known as Christmas. If you, like so many idiots out there leave your Christmas shopping to the last minute and run around the high street in some sort of bacchanalian frenzy I have some advice for you to save you the hassle, the expectation and the inevitable disappointments for next year. So if you are excited by this pearly white pearl of wisdom or want to know what the opening dialogue above was really all about….read on!
I, like so many “cool” cats out in the big wide world work in Fashion (…cough *retail* cough). Anyone that works in this industry can calmly tell the “Not-so cool” cats that don’t work in Fashion (…cough *retail* cough) that the high street c’est fini, finito, dead, finished (I wrote that last bit in French and Italian because we fashionistas speak sexy languages…because we’re sexy). What I’m getting at is that the West End, the high street, the shopping centres just don’t do it for us anymore and I, as a 21st century man don’t want to do what the masses do. I don’t want to be a sheep. I therefore have a new philosophy that dictates my life and my actions. What would Kong (King not Donkey) do. What do I mean by this?
Well, could you imagine King Kong strolling around the high street, doing a bit of window shopping, trying on a few different pairs of chinos that all look the same in different brands that all are slightly differently priced but nonetheless made in some shitty country by a small child for 3 pence? NO.
Would Kong swing around Westfield shopping centre trying to find something for Mrs.Kong at the last minute and end up buying something shit and expensive that she doesn’t even like? NO.
Finally, would Kong queue for hours behind TWWAATS that are moping around on the street or in shops, that don’t even know what direction is up, who walk so slowly that it makes me want to rip my arm off so I could have something to throw at them?! NO.
What would Kong do?! I hear you scream at the top of your little puny lungs!
Well here it is… Firstly, Kong would beat his chest and give an almighty roar once he has awoken from his slumber (ooooo… slumber is a good word). When I say roar, I literally mean ROOOOAAAR, like the sound of some archaic noise from some sort of fictional ancient era, in which the very ground would shaketh beneath our teeny weeny feeties. Then he would play some serious online COD (Call of Duty), beat his chest a bit more, followed by Skyrim and maybe some FIFA 12. Then, like the beast that he is, like a real man of the real world, like some sort of high power from some higher place would do some online shopping and purchase everything he needed for Christmas in 5 minutes flat to make more time for gaming.
It’s not really the end. Well it almost is. It’s kind of looking that way, but what I’m saying is, I am, like Kong, a man whose time is valuable. I want time for my own personal pleasures. I glean a great deal of joy from sitting on my perfectly formed arse and gain no pleasure from running around like a headless chicken. So if you are like me and enjoy the occasional sweet cathartic relief derived from telling a complete stranger that lives half way across the world through a headset that you are going to ‘shove a grenade up his asshole’, then I advise you to do the following: Do your shopping online because that’s what would Kong would do, play some FIFA until your eyes start to bleed, kill some dragons, beat your chest and give an almighty ROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!
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